My spiritual journey

My spiritual journey has been, at least to me, a rather interesting, and also frightening journey. In its simplest form, I am an ex-Christian who is presently a weak atheist (or "agnostic atheist", if you prefer). Onto the actual story.

I was raised in a strongly Christian (specifically Protestant) household. Naturally (because children, generally, when indoctrinated into a particular mindset or belief, don't often question it), I believed in the Christian God throughout my childhood. At around age nine, I first accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Upon said acceptance, I felt an immense degree of joy. Perhaps expectantly, given that I was a young child at the time (though, not to sound offensive, this would likely suffice for most adults, as well), this, to me, was definitive proof of the existence of the Christian God.

Despite this fact, however, I really didn't take Christianity all that seriously after the first couple years or so. Fast forward to the summer of 2004, and I once again asked Christ into my heart. This time, I truly lived the life of a Christian. In fact, no sooner had I started spreading the gospel (despite all of my theological inexperience, which, in hindsight, was actually more detrimental than beneficial) of Jesus Christ, and the good news of salvation, all over the internet. Indeed, for several months there, I never put down my Bible, and I never stopped praying. I had, to say the least, a passion for the Christian God.

In fact, believe it or not (and not to toot my horn because, if the Christian God does actually exist, then it was his doing, not mine), I won approximately eight people to Jesus Christ, and I still retain contact with some of these people today (though most are unaware of my recent apostasy). At this point, I had experienced enough that I naively thought that I had objective evidence for the existence of this particular god (this also reaffirmed what I perceived to be "proof" of the Christian God) -- namely, the conversions of nonbelievers/non-practicing Christians to Jesus Christ. In case that sounds offensive to the layman, I'm not saying that there can't (or isn't) be evidence for the existence of the Christian God. Rather, what I'm saying is that there is no objective (meaning completely obvious to each person, regardless of whether or not they believe in said god) evidence for such a deity. Subjectively, it's obviously a different story, since subjectivity implies that said evidence is only sufficient for a single individual, rather than humanity as a whole.

After this is where the interesting bit begins. From this point onward, I gradually stopped reading my Bible as well as engaging in daily prayer. Needless to say, for anyone even slightly theologically inclined (even outside Christianity), the aforementioned acts are critically important for spiritual growth. Without that, your faith quickly becomes weak, and susceptible to collapse. At this point, you're probably thinking "What happened? How did he so rapidly lose passion for God, when he was winning souls? What caused him to stop reading/praying?". And you know something? You would be completely justified in your curiosity. Hence, it is therefore my obligation to enlighten you. After all, there had to be a catalyst for my sudden and unexpected change. Cause and effect, right?

To make a long story short, several months after turning 13, I began to notice the immense degree of dogmatism and intolerance that most Protestants in my area seemed to so strongly hold (at least from my perspective). Of course, as to not make a generalization here (as that would just be wrong, both ethically and intellectually), I want to note that I am not attempting to speak for all Protestants, and especially not all Christians. Anyhow, I gradually became fed up with this dogmatism (as well as the fact that practically all the Christians I had ever conversed with or had known, family included, provided any real satisfactory answers to tough theological questions pertaining to the religion) and, while I still believed in the Christian God for a few years after that, I gradually lost interest in Christianity.

Though I did not label myself as such during this time, I realize that, in hindsight, I became an agnostic during the fall of 2007. This is where my deconversion truly began. While I didn't completely dismiss Christianity at this point, I was largely apathetic, as well as somewhat hostile. Finally, during the summer of 2008 (August), I officially declared myself an atheist. I was a strong atheist at this time (without initially having been aware of that designation), and asserted certainty that, not only did the Christian God exist, no other gods existed, as well. Obviously, this was quite an intellectually dishonest opinion to hold, since certainty is not something that can be inferred theologically, because the supernatural is by definition untestable by science. Even if it wasn't, there are other, more complex issues that would prevent any actual proof (or disproof) to be found. This includes things such as sensory perception, and the fact that, even if science could explain a purported supernatural phenomenon(s) (in this case god(s), it doesn't necessarily mean that a divine mechanism isn't behind the phenomenon being scientifically explained.

I met some rather nice Christians on a Facebook group (which I still visit today) just a couple months later, and they completely changed my view on Christianity by displaying love, compassion, and tolerance, something I felt that most Christians in my area sorely lacked. They softened my heart and opened my mind enough to effectively eradicate my arrogance (I considered myself intellectually superior to any and all theists, not just Christians, after I declared myself an atheist, even to the point of derogatorily calling people "stupid") and intolerance for people of opposing religious viewpoints.

One Christian in particular, stood out, and we later became friends. From anonymity, as well as for the sake of respecting my friend's privacy, I will not mention his name here. Let's just say that he quickly became very eager in reconverting me to Christianity, promising me that he would answer my questions and bring me "good arguments"; again, something I felt (and still do) most Christians in my area lacked. This particular group, along with prolonged theological debate on the GameFAQs Religion board, gradually changed my personality. I became a weak atheist during this time (which, again, simply means that, while I am an atheist, I am also agnostic). In November 2009, I gave Christianity another try by asking Christ into my heart once again. I quickly realized that I still didn't believe.

...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I think that's about it. Until next time, amigos.

Oh, sorry for my ramblings. Terrible, I know. :/